To my fellow COVID Lovers,
The one thing that resonates most for me about the woman’s platform that asked for writers to talk about the subject of COVID relationships, is something that quite literally speaks to my soul. That is authenticity. She bleeds honesty, even when the topics aren’t always ones that I relate to. When I saw that she was asking people if they wanted to post about their struggles in their relationships throughout COVID, my inner therapy-loving self, jumped. It’s like clickbait to me. So, I got to it. I asked what she was looking for and quickly skimmed through some examples that she said she had provided to people that were interested in writing.
Then, I whipped out a two-page blog about my relationship struggles, I even had examples. It worked, and I liked it. I edited it. But still, it just wasn’t… “it.” Mainly because I don’t genuinely believe that people don’t struggle, I do. And, I can pay tribute to that. I think whatever cards you are dealt still challenges you at times with or without a pandemic. But ultimately, I am a story teller at heart, and that piece wasn’t the tale I wanted to tell.
I’m not sure where to start really, other than writing is the way to my “feelings.” It always has been, and for a while I have used it as a scapegoat. But I am desperately trying to align my whole-being with these feelings, and not just when I write. I needed this to embody that. This isn’t just for the reader; this is for me. More importantly though, this is what I needed to face head on; not only for my relationship, but for my husband. He deserves that.
So, before I dive head first into a blog about COVID relationship struggles, I will say that I don’t know many people that get to feel the way I feel about my partner. Yes, I said partner. Because ultimately a relationship isn’t about the wedding, the marriage, the kids etc. The relationship is about the promise that you made to that person. More often than not, people don’t want to hear this; however, if you do not grow together, you will grow apart. I was one of those people. I didn’t want to hear it. Trust me. That being said, without Chris, this blog below would not be relevant. But, even more than that, without Chris this life that I have right now, would simply not exist. So, thank you for letting me write this. Thank you for letting me express my authenticity, and thank you for allowing me the space to grow into a better version of myself. I will admit that 2020 has thrown some real low blows at me, but it has also allowed for some of the biggest personal growth that I have ever accomplished. All of that is with support of not only my partner, but truly my very best friend.
So, without further ado:
There is nothing wrong with the blog I wrote. Quite honestly, I think that a lot of people would resonate with some of the issues that I discuss. Actually, some of the prompts/questions that Molly said she provided I know would personally catch my eye. The answers could only make us human, relatable even. And, who are we kidding, this country knows nothing about connection right now. So, is it any wonder that you are about to read a blog about “struggles in a relationship?”
I personally have been in therapy more in my life, than I have not. So, the concept of “going to therapy,” scaring people, doesn’t click for me. I understand the fear of talking to strangers, and the fear of the things that it might bring up. Trust me, all of that part makes sense. Facing things head on is terrifying. At one-point last year my therapist said to me, “when the pain is enough, you will quit.” This was a reference to my previous toxic job…But in hindsight I think it’s a metaphor for really anything in life. The doozey of that metaphor, is that sometimes you’re your own “toxicity.”
I push on things, more specifically until I get my way. I thrive on being right. I swear I should have been a lawyer at one point, because I can fight a fight and forget what I am even fighting about, but I will still “win”. This was a big lesson that my relationship learned. When I hear people say they don’t fight, I’m usually in awe. I firmly believe that fighting usually isn’t the issue. It’s learning how to fight. For us personally, the issue was attacking character. I would love to blame this on COVID and the fact that both my husband and I were “essential workers” during this pandemic, so this wasn’t our fault. We were stressed, worried, overworked etc. But it was our fault. These things have been there, COVID or not. We aren’t perfect by any means, but we are better, and we are working on this actively. I realized there is no coming back from certain things I have said, and inherently the only thing that heals those types of wounds is time, and learning to accept that it’s not about being the “winner.”
I’m no relationship expert, but that “feeling” about Chris that I referenced earlier is called connection. And, just like the back of a tv, at times our wires get crossed. We end up a hot mess, and we have to take it all apart, label chords, and it put it back together. That doesn’t mean you failed, that means you grew, and had to rewire your connection. That rewiring is the “hard work,” because really, you might not know you got all tangled in the first place. But the important part is knowing that not everyone is fortunate enough to have had the proper “connection” in the first place.
Chris is a better lover than I am. I don’t mean sexually, although I am sure he would love me to write that. (Hahaha) I mean, he knows when he loves someone/something and he is all in. Inherently I have always been very envious of this. He never skips a beat with a compliment, but he also genuinely means them. He doesn’t have to try with affection, it comes naturally to him. For years we have made jokes about this, but deep down I always wondered why I was this way. Why is this so hard for me?
As 2020 progressed, my therapy dove deeper. I started exploring what being a “woman” meant to me. And without having to explain my whole life story, I will say I have suppressed the nurturing, feminine side of myself. I have a very estranged relationship with my own mom, but I also realized that growing up I was never really taught to love what being a woman meant, or to happily own it. I don’t think she was taught this either. Some of the shame, specifically around sex, was the catholic religion, but also some I believe was generationally passed down. So, instead of exploring that in my young 20’s I focused on being the best at my job, accomplishing myself in a high up position, and I had a guy that was cool with that. Seems like I made it out okay, yeah? Maybe. But, maybe not?
Chris and I are approaching year 8 of our relationship together. I can tell you that when Chris met me at 23, I was a disaster. At the time, he didn’t know this. I mean, I didn’t know this. I think he thought that surface level I was a young, fun, girl, that had some bad previous relationships. He wasn’t wrong about the bad relationships. But now, years later when I actually decided to show up for myself, I found out I was just a wounded little girl, on a mission to be considered, loved, taken care of, nurtured, and supported. I even wanted to learn how to sexually express myself. I just didn’t know how. I put ALL OF THAT onto him. This was the issue. I put all of that onto someone else. How could I have expected to learn to take care of a relationship, when the whole time I never even knew how to take care of myself?
I used to hear people say that they actively “choose their relationship,” and I used to think that was terrible. Then I went through a phase, where I thought, oh they mean after the “rainbows and butterflies wear off”. Okay, sure that makes sense. So, date night, right? This means you have to try a little harder.
Well, I am going to take it a step further and admit that I never did this. Meaning, I never chose us. It’s a real sucker punch to the gut to even admit out loud that I was the person getting in my own way. That because of my “ego” and my coping mechanisms, I never “actively choose us.” That thing I listed above…where I say I was a bad-ass woman, had a good job, and thought to myself I don’t need to learn to do nurturing things, or “womanly” things because that is old school. Yeah… that was an issue. A big issue.
As I grew up, I developed this “ego” side to me. I never wanted anyone to think I was less normal because I had lost my dad, a sibling, and my mother was an alcoholic. So, instead of caving, I became overtly logic. I would use my looks to my advantage, and this included sex. I suppressed any nurturing side to myself because I was adamant about not needing parents to be “successful”. And it worked. That is what coping mechanisms do. They step in when you need them to. I equate them to a life-vest. The problem is, I don’t need it anymore. I finally learned how to swim. I haven’t actually needed my vest for a while now, but getting out of deeply rooted patterns is extremely hard.
In the recent months I started, “acting as if.” At some point, as Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things.” In reality, if you don’t show up for yourself, don’t expect to show up for anyone else. At the very minimal, you at least have to starting trying.
I’m learning to admit when I am wrong. I’m not as fast as Chris, but I’m better. I’m less sarcastic, and not in the funny way, but the mean, passive aggressive way. I’ve started to explore sexuality as a woman. And, no I don’t mean my sexual orientation. I mean, I’ve started to acknowledge that each individual person has sexual wants/needs, and that includes women. We are entitled to sexuality and sensuality just as much as men are, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve also started to tap into things that I previously would have categorized as “not in my wheelhouse.” Like cooking. Do I love it? Not entirely, but I’m interested in caring about it. I am interested in caring about things that include not only nurturing myself, but nurturing the person that I married, and promised to show up for. I’ve started to feel things. Good things, bad things, but most importantly, I’ve allowed the sensation of “feelings” not terrify me.
If you have read this far, then you can assume this has been a quite painful year. And if you have been to therapy before, and walked out of the office in gut wrenching pain, then you know the “work” I am referring to. But this comes at a cost when you are in a marriage. And that cost is your spouses’ wounds too. This goes back to the, “if you don’t grow together, you grow apart.”
So, in this moment, if you anything in this blog stands out to you, I hope it this last part:
I opened up my deep wounds, and scrubbed them out. I scraped away the dying, necrotic tissue, as you would with any old battle wound, and I’m actively sewing them back together. But this takes time. And once your stitches come out hopefully the fresh skin has closed over, so that you only have a scar. Scars fade with time, so that they are only reminders, not triggers. Often like deeply rooted childhood traumas, or egos. Sometimes they are activated, but you’re less likely to let the reaction control you. This is what the work is for. However, that was my choice to do. I do deeply believe that this is where a turning point happened for me. But all of that aside, I have to acknowledge that Chris didn’t sign his life away to therapy like I did.
At times I have to step back, and remember that the “real” work is not in therapy. The real work is the effort and changes you put in outside of the 1-hour appointment. Over the last 6 months Chris and I have started what we call “support meetings.” It’s known when one person says this that it might be a hard conversation, but also, a “I need to talk about x,y, and z.” Inadvertently, Chris has started to peal off his own scabs, only to uncover his own personal story needs telling as well. I’ve had a front row seat to what his life has been like for years now, but this is different.
Again, I am still working on being nurturing not only for me, but for him. I have to remind myself to show up for him, and hold space for insecurities he may have, because this is a NEW pattern. New is hard. At times, my ego steps in, and I have to remind her to settle down, I can swim, I promise. But, one thing is certain. I am not short of feelings anymore. In the last few weeks, I have seen someone that I never met before. I know that Chris didn’t sign up for this, but he is a man of his word and promised to be in “our” relationship, and he is doing “the work.” For the first time, I am the outsider. I am the supporter. And although his story is different than mine, I have never been prouder of him for showing up for himself. I know how hard this is to do.
Ironically, or not ironically since it is 2020, Chris and I legally got married in February, but…COVID, so we haven’t had a wedding. I’ve always said that I have had my vows written for years because writing was the only way I could guarantee I could express my romantic feelings. And it’s true. They are written, and I do love me a stunningly written piece.
However, this is for you Chris. Because at the end of all of this I not only owe this to me, I owe this to you. So here it is:
I promise to continue to mother myself, nurture myself, explore being a woman, and when my scars rear their heads, they will only be reminders; not set-backs. But, more than any of that. I promise to choose me, so that I can ALWAYS choose you. I promise to hold the space for you whenever you need that. I promise to start sharing the weight, because it hasn’t always been yours to carry, even though I have allowed for that. I promise to travel as far, for as long as we can. I promise to challenge you, but more importantly challenge myself to always do “the hard work.” I promise to support you as you explore your own wounds. Not to fix them for you, but to hold your hand so that you know you will never do whatever comes next alone. And as you once said, “a marriage isn’t about falling in love, the sex, kids whatever. A marriage is about choosing your best friend and doing life with them.” So, as you peal back your layers, I’ll hold you, stand by you, and for once, I will actively choose you. Because, it has always been you. You are my partner, my lover, the person I can’t wait to talk to always. Chris, you are my absolute, very best friend.
