I lived in “common” for a long time. It made me feel safe, when in reality it was avoidance.
At some point, unfortunately a very low point, I realized I wasn’t interested in being “common” anymore. Quite the contrary actually. I was interested in getting to the root of the issues.
You see, as someone who previously suffered daily from an autoimmune issue, you get used to hearing things such as “management of symptoms” or “new trials with this medication seem to help alleviate x, y, and z.” And when you are desperate, and riddled with physical pain, alleviation seems like the answer; but it’s really just a band aid over a gaping wound.
Your identity starts to shift. You start believing that there is never going to be hope of remission, because it’s not “common.” But I have always been a curious soul; the one that asks all the questions. I’m the person at the front of the class with a notepad ready to take color coated notes. So, in hindsight the notion that I was going to become this detective-like in regards to health isn’t shocking.
6 years ago, after four surgeries my doctor told me, “there isn’t much more we can do for you. You know people with long term issues start to really let the pain get inside their heads.” I believe it was at this moment that I knew I was going to be a warrior; so I got a new doctor. But it was also the moment that I adopted a new identity.
You see, I bring this up because I believe verbiage is important, especially when it’s something you repeat over and over to yourself. I also believe that for my journey, I had to go through this phase. This phase is what adapted into where I am at now, but in reality what got me away from believing that someone else knew what was best for me.
Before I was a #endowarrior, I was the person that did everything my doctor said. I let them try “new things,” experiment with every single kind of birth control and hormone therapy there was. And in fairness, I’m not really shocked that this didn’t work. Not now at least.
What you tell yourself matters. I can’t say it loud enough, but you have to want to heal. You have to believe that whatever faith you have, whether that’s the Universe, Karma, or a “man in the clouds,” you have to know there is something bigger than you. Because this is where the change happens. This is where the outside noise gets dulled and the voice of your intuition can speak.
Healing happens, when you decide to believe that it will.
It happens when you decide to start to trust your intuition; I promise you always know what you need. You just have to listen.
I’ll share an example.
By the end of 2018 I had had five laparoscopic excisions. In laymen’s terms, I had been cut open five times, and had the insides of my reproductive tracks cleared of endometrial adhesions and scar tissue, and in the last surgery my bladder as well. When I went into my see my specialist I was beside myself. I was on more medications than I can recall, and I knew I only had one more option. The option I really didn’t want to do, because the side effects were heavy. I started the therapy regardless, what other options did I have? By this point I spent most of my days in pain.
I knew instantly that my body was rejecting it. Spiting every worse case scenario at me. In the western world, I would have started more medications to counteract those side effects, but I said no. From here I started trauma work. I didn’t get immediate pain relief. In fact, everything got substantially worse before it started to get better.
I started studying why not listening to my body was a result of the rejection. At the time I didn’t know my body was trying to heal itself, I just thought I needed to fight against it harder. And as any true codependent, I went from avoiding the shame that I had internally been carrying for years, to attaching myself to the notion that I must not be fighting hard enough.
I wasn’t “warrior enough.”
When I went back to my specialist I remember asking, “What if I just don’t do any medications, what if I just see what happens?” Ultimately I was deterred from trying this because the answers I received led me to fearing my own body even more, and I was quickly back to the path of “common consequences that other women with endometriosis had experienced.”
It would not be until another year later that I finally took a chance on my intuition, and chose to trust in myself.
In November of 2020 I anxiously went into my doctors appointment requesting them to remove my IUD which was the last form of hormones I had in me. I had already started to tapper all of the other medications I was on, and to this day almost a year later, I’m still 0.25 mg away from being completely pharmaceutical free. I was met with hesitation, but I know it was out of good intent. I wholeheartedly expressed my intentions, and that I was no longer interested in being on medications. I myself was reluctant. I had never trusted my gut, led by intuition, or ultimately believed that I knew what was best for me.
Two weeks ago I walked into my annual exam with the same specialist. He looked at me, and said, “You don’t even look like the same person. I know that you are, but what have you done?!” Tears welled in my eyes, and with a chuckle replied, “What have I not done?”
I went on to explain the modalities of functional medicine that I had started to implement, quickly referencing all the books, masterclasses, doctor’s work I studied, additional testing I had done, and then I got to the place of therapy. I looked at him and said, “Do you remember when I met you, how upset I was about being told the pain was in my head?” He nodded and I carried on. “The pain was never in my head sir, the pain was in my heart.”
He nodded, and said. “You know Ali, I haven’t seen many patients willing to do the work you have, and it’s admirable.” For the first time I had felt truly seen by western health. I sat with that feeling, and honestly I still am. Tears form as I write this because there is an amount of isolation that went into my healing journey, and there is still the humanistic fear of ever being that sick again. No doctor, specialist, therapist or friend could tell me the right answer, and as a warrior I constantly felt that I need support to continue fighting the good fight.
I know now that my flight path has changed, and I’m not longer interested in fighting. Being a warrior is exhausting, debilitating, and quite frankly kept me sick for years. At the root of almost all autoimmune issues is chronic inflammation, how is constantly existing in fight mode an anti-inflammatory?
I had to actively choose to believe that my body wanted my soul to exist in it. It was never about the autoimmune system attacking itself, it was always about connecting to the body’s needs and deeply listening. I still find myself in bouts of anxiety, and when it comes I recite to myself, “the body is designed to heal.”
I don’t share this to disempower anyone with a chronic disease that is in the warrior phase. I was there, I lived there for many years. I share this to provide hope for peace in your body. For you to know that at one point, not to long ago I didn’t believe that I would heal. This is why I challenged the “common,” hell I even challenged my own reality. There is hope for a less inflamed system, a body that knows peace, a mind that believes in balance, and an enlighten intuition that will lead to healing.
